Using Survival Signals To Help You Predict Violence

Being a victim of rape, or any other type of violent crime is never the fault of the victim. These crimes, however, are preceded by a victim selection process- The following information is to help you recognize the methods by which criminals keep their victims from seeing survival signals. These same methods can reveal your own survival signals to you and could one day save your life.

1. FORCED TEAMING

This is when someone tries to establish trust that really is not there.  It is intentional and directed.

They may say things like: “Both of us” , “We’re some team”, “I know you’d do the same for me”, “We want the same things”.  This is because the use of the word “we” or that “we’re in the same boat” mentality is hard to reject without seeming rude.

Remember: If you do not know this person, if you have not shared experiences together, if there has never been an establishment of trust, then you do not trust them now- even if they might want you to think you do by using the word “we”. And that is OK. There is a reason you do not trust them- and you do not have to now. It is also OK to let them know that.

2. CHARM AND NICENESS

When someone is nice to you, it is a decision. Niceness and charming are choices, not  character traits. Charm and niceness do not equal goodness. Many victims say of their attackers ,”He was so nice”. People seeking to control others almost always present themselves as a ‘nice person’ in the beginning.

Instead of thinking that someone is so charming or so nice, it may be beneficial to think, “This person is trying to charm me”. And then ask yourself, “WHY?”.

3. TOO MANY DETAILS

This is a technique used by people who want to deceive you. When people tell the truth, they don’t automatically feel doubted, so they also don’t feel the need to keep on supporting themselves with more details.

If some of the information you are being given seems unnecessary, use context: Remind yourself of where you are and what your relationship is to the people around you.

4. TYPECASTING

A man will label a woman in a critical way, hoping that she will feel compelled to prove him wrong. It always involves a slight insult. For example:

“So you’re probably too good to talk to someone like me.” “You don’t look like someone who reads the newspaper.” “Don’t be so proud- it’s OK to let someone help you out once in a while.”

It is natural to want to defend yourself against such remarks. However, a response is exactly what the type caster wants- so the best response is always silence.

5. LOAN SHARKING

This happens when someone offers assistance to you so that you will feel indebted to them. This is used as a method to control you because it is harder  to say no to somebody who has just done something nice for you.

Remember, you do not owe this person anything. Even if they just helped you pick up papers you dropped, you don’t  have to have a conversation with them.  Just because they took you out and bought you dinner, and paid for your movie ticket, you do not have to invite them inside your home.

If you do not feel comfortable with someone, no matter what the situation, you do not need to remain in the  situation. You have the right to choose whom it is you are talking to. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable or even slightly uneasy, there is a reason for that, and you have the right to walk away/ end the conversation/ ask them to leave/ say no.

6. THE UNSOLICITED PROMISE

Promises are not guarantees - They are meant to convince you of something.

So when someone promises you something, ask yourself, “Why does this person need to convince me?” Most likely the answer will be: Because they can tell that you are not convinced. They can tell that you have doubt. 
When someone says, “I promise”, you can say to yourself, “You’re right, I am hesitant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason. Thank you for pointing  it out.” 
The promise helps you to see your own intuition.

7. DISCOUNTING THE WORD “NO”

“No” is a word that must never be ignored, nor negotiated, because the person who chooses to not to listen to it is trying to control you.

To the person who is trying to take control, they see the moment you let them talk you out of the word “no”,  as you letting them know that they are in charge.

Do not worry about feeling bad, or seeming to be rude for saying “NO” firmly and directly. No is a complete sentence and you do not owe anyone an explanation, nor do you need to negotiate for their sake.

If it is late at night and someone offers to help you carry something to your car and you don’t want them to for whatever reason, say “no” and don’t feel bad about it. If someone asks to come in and use your phone and you don’t feel comfortable with it because something inside of you is saying no, it is not rude to say “no”. 

If your date asks you to stay the night and you say “no”, you do not owe them an explanation- no means no. When someone refuses to hear the word “no”, it is dangerous.

Even though there are warning signs that could help you avoid being a victim of violence and could save your life,

you may still find yourself in danger.

In those moments listen to what your intuition is telling you.

Trust that what causes alarm probably should because when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least 2 important ways:
     1.  It is always in response to something
     2.  It always has your best interest at heart

Signals taken from the expertise  of Gavin De Becker, as presented in his book "The Gift of Fear"